


Before Classic

by belovedhypnos



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon Classic - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Romance, Shitennou, cliches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:10:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belovedhypnos/pseuds/belovedhypnos
Summary: Ever wondered what was going on in the Dark Kingdom before episode 1 of Sailor Moon Classic? How did Kunzite and Zoisite get together? Why do Nephrite and Zoisite hate each other so much? How did Jadeite get the energy collection job? This is my humorous version of what happened!Warnings for silliness and cliches.





	1. Zoisite's Worst (Or Best?) Day

**Author's Note:**

> I talked on tumblr how I'd like to see a Shitennou-centric version of Sailor Moon Classic. Well, this silly idea sort of sprouted from that, even though this story is concerned with what happened BEFORE the anime, rather than during it.
> 
> Well... Have fun! ^^'

Zoisite rolled over in his sleep and cuddled his pillow tightly, sighing amorously.

“Kunzaito-sama…”

Slowly he woke up, and started to realize it wasn’t Kunzite he was cuddling, but a pillow, and that he was alone in his own small bedroom in Kunzite’s castle. He gave out a disappointed sigh and closed his eyes again. Then he opened them again and glanced around sleepily until he spotted the clock on the nightstand. His eyes widened. 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

It was ten to nine, and he was supposed to have an important audience with Queen Beryl nine o’clock sharp!

He jumped out of bed and dashed out of his room to the corridor and into the bathroom. He began his skincare routine, but realized halfway through there was absolutely no time to do it all, so he just cursed, took his uniform from the clothesline, and got dressed hastily. He sprayed on some perfume and pulled his hair into a ponytail. Then he attempted to teleport. Nothing happened.

“DAMMIT!!!”

He tried again, and again, but he was too agitated to succeed. The clock stroke nine. He just dashed out of the room and ran. 

*

Kunzite teleported home after a night shift. It had been a long night. He had been in Tokyo, looking for potential energy collection spots with that idiotic, over-enthusiastic rookie Jadeite. Kunzite would have rather taken his new apprentice Zoisite, but Queen Beryl had seen Jadeite as a more promising energy collector. 

Sure, Zoisite was a nuisance too, too talkative and giggly to an aloof, dignified man like Kunzite. But Zoisite had redeeming qualities. For example, he was really pretty. Kunzite rather enjoyed looking at him. Of course, as his tutor, he couldn’t do anything beyond looking, and even that was something nobody needed to know about. He thought of golden curls in that cute ponytail… Full, pink lips smiling coyly… Big, emerald eyes looking up at him with adoration… 

Kunzite shook his head as he realized he had started smiling. He banished the thoughts about his young apprentice, and headed upstairs. He needed to have a shower before going to bed. Last night he and Jadeite had gone to a place humans called “night club” to measure the energy levels, and Jadeite had wanted to blend in and suggested they dance like others did. Kunzite had worked up quite a sweat on the dance floor. He recalled some of the dance moves Jadeite had taught him, and groaned in embarrassment. There had also been a couple of guys who had admired his cape and asked his “number”, whatever that meant. 

It sure was a lot of work to try and act like a human…

Kunzite entered the bathroom and noted that the place smelled vaguely sweet and flowery. It appeared Zoisite had just been there. Kunzite hoped his apprentice had managed to meet Beryl on time. He had already been late twice that week.

Kunzite got undressed and looked for his soap bar but couldn’t place it. All the stands were full of colorful bottles. 

He sighed. You could totally tell Zoisite had moved in…

*

Zoisite stood by the door that led to Queen Beryl’s throne room. From his neck there was hanging a sign which said “I’m always late”. He hang his head and sniffled.

“I hope Kunzaito-sama won’t see me like this…” he thought. “I don’t want to disappoint him. But of course Beryl will tell him. That bitch!”

“Ha ha!”

A sneering laugh pulled him back from his resentful thoughts, and as he looked up his mood only darkened.

“Get lost, Nephrite!”

Nephrite smirked as he leaned against the wall and took a sip from his coke. 

“The sign really suits you.”

“Oh, go talk to stars, won’t you!” Zoisite spat, tossing his head disdainfully. Secretly he was happy that Nephrite had come and given him something to do. All the better, it was one of his favorite pastimes: bickering.

“You know, you wouldn’t be late if you learned to teleport”, Nephrite taunted.

Zoisite gritted his teeth. Of course he could teleport, but not when he was agitated. But of course he didn’t want Nephrite to know that.  
He decided to change tactics. 

“Don’t you have better things to do than just stand there and stare at me? Still interested?” 

Nephrite scoffed. “You’re referring to last year’s Christmas party? Don’t worry, that was the first and the last time I touched you.”

“Well, you did a lot more to me than touched me…” Zoisite said with a giggle. He noticed some youmas gathering around them in the dark corners of the corridor. He thought some of them had popcorn.

Nephrite was not amused. He glanced around nervously. “Shut up.”

Zoisite filled with glee. He was totally winning this round!

“Oh, you don’t want the whole Dark Kingdom to know about the one and only time you got lucky?” he sneered. He was really bringing his A game! Now he directed his words at the curious youmas. “He was absolutely terrible. And small. 1/5 stars, would not recommend.”

The youmas sniggered and Nephrite blushed bright red. He muttered something about murdering Zoisite as he teleported away.

Zoisite laughed giddily, but then his face fell and he sighed. 

“What’s the point of bullying Nephrite if he just leaves as soon as it gets good? I was looking forward to a long marathon of insults! Maybe this time I went too far… ”

*

Jadeite was jogging through the Dark Kingdom (which was just the perfect mileage for a quick morning jog). He had been working all night, but didn’t feel sleepy at all, and had decided to put all his hours into good use. He didn’t want to waste a minute of his precious youth. 

“Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise!” he thought to himself cheerfully as he jogged along the corridor. He passed Queen Beryl’s throne room door and wondered if he should go and ask for extra duties. Then he spotted Zoisite with the “I’m always late” -sign and hoped he hadn’t noticed him - but too late.

“Jadeite!” Zoisite exclaimed cheerfully. “It’s so good to see you!”

Jadeite jogged to him reluctantly.

“Hey, Zoisite”, Jadeite said, taking his headphones off. “What’s up?”

“I’m boooooooored”, Zoisite whined and pointed at the sign. “Beryl made me wear this and stand here all day. And it’s almost lunch time! Can you bring me anything to eat?”

Jadeite hesitated. “Well…”

“Oh Jed-kun, I knew you’d help me out!” Zoisite gushed. “Bring me the onigiris in Kunzite’s fridge, will you? But first, hold my sign while I go the bathroom!”

Jadeite started to sweat. “I-I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”

“Oh, I’ll only be two minutes!” Zoisite said and shoved the sign to Jadeite, before heading to the bathroom around the corner. 

Jadeite put the sign on and stood there, sweating. 

“Why am I being so nice?!” he thought.

He tried to look as much like Zoisite as possible. It was really difficult. He suddenly wished his hair was longer. Also, Zoisite would never have worn his bright red jogging outfit. 

“Zoisite?” came Queen Beryl’s voice through the throne room door. It made Jadeite jump. “Are you still standing there with the sign?”

Jadeite was now sweating profusely. He tried to make his voice high-pitched and feminine. 

“Yes, I am, my Queen! It’s me, Zoisite! Te he he hee”, he added, just in case.

“Good”, Beryl said after a short, terrifying silence. “Because if you weren’t, and if someone else was there impersonating you, I’d put both of you in ETERNAL SLEEP!”

Jadeite swallowed hard. He was shaking like a leaf.

To his relief, Zoisite hurried back a moment later.

Jadeite handed the sign back to him with shaking hands.

“Thanks! By the way, I heard that impression you did of me…” Zoisite said, his expression blank.

Jadeite waited, nervous. 

Zoisite gave him a thumbs-up. “Spot on!”

“No problem. This has been a nerve-wracking experience”, Jadeite said. “I think I’ll just take it easy for the rest of the day…”

“Wait, you promised me lunch!” Zoisite reminded, putting on the sign. 

“Oh, right. So, onigiri from the fridge?”

Zoisite handed him the key to Kunzite’s castle. “Yes. But don’t wake Kunzaito-sama. He’ll be really angry if he wakes up to find an intruder in his house.”

Jadeite prepared to teleport, terrified. 

*

Nephrite moped around in his flat. 

“How dare that little bitch spread the rumor that I’m bad in bed? And have a small dick?! Complete lies! I’m average, at least!”

He decided it was time to talk to the stars. 

“O stars, who know everything! Help me out!” 

The stars appeared.

“Am I really bad in bed?” Nephrite asked angrily.

The stars replied by showing footage of him in bed with Zoisite last Christmas.

“Point taken”, Nephrite said after a few seconds. “Turn that off! But he still has no right to humiliate me in front of youmas! Those things are real blabbermouths. They’re always competing about who’s going to tell the funniest story to Beryl. No doubt they’ll tell her this!”

The stars showed him a bunch of youmas in Beryl’s throne room and the queen doubled up with laughter.

“Right, that’s it!” Nephrite shouted and crunched the empty coke can in his hand. “O stars, tell how to revenge Zoisite!” 

The stars showed him a dream Zoisite had had that morning.

“Interesting…” Nephrite said, and burst into evil laughter. 

*

Will Jadeite get the onigiri for Zoisite without waking up Kunzite? What is Nephrite’s evil plan? Find out in the next exciting episode! I mean, chapter.


	2. Zoisite's Worst (Or Best?) Day, part 2

Jadeite teleported in front of Kunzite’s eerie castle. The place really creeped him out, and it didn’t help knowing there was a slumbering beast inside.

Namely, Kunzite.

“Right, Jadeite”, he said to himself. “You got this.”

He did a Superman pose for a couple of minutes to gain some courage, but it didn’t really help.

He opened the door gingerly. It made a loud creak, and the sound sent chills down his spine.

“Man, I wish Zoisite still lived in that cozy little studio apartment next to mine…” he thought. “Well, not really.”

He thought about the slumber parties they had had. Except they hadn’t really been parties, but fights over the TV channel. Usually Nephrite and Zoisite fighting over the possession of the remote, and Jadeite trying to watch whatever channel was on for five seconds before it changed again.

“Oh, good old days…”, Jadeite muttered sarcastically.

He hurried across a spooky hall with weird-looking plants, and arrived in a long, dark corridor. He realized he had no idea which one was the kitchen door.

“Darn! I guess I’ll just have to go through them all…”

He started opening doors as quietly as he possibly could. Each of them creaked so that the whole corridor echoed. Jadeite was sweating profusely.

“Come on! How many useless, empty rooms do you have?!”

The sixteenth door led to a room which was obviously Zoisite’s. The walls in this place were black instead of pink, but Jadeite recognized the flower-shaped throw pillows on the bed.

He closed the door, and had to go through a few more doors, until he finally found the kitchen.

“Hurray!” he whisper-shouted.

Just as he rushed into the room, he was knocked unconscious by an energy blast.

*

It was Kunzite in his stripy pajamas. Kunzite was grumpy because the sound of creaking doors had woken him up. He was extra grumpy because he had just been having an erotic dream about Zoisite, and he would have wanted to finish it. He was extra extra grumpy because he had found that the intruder was Jadeite.

He looked down at the unconscious Jadeite lying at his feet.

“That will teach you not to break into Lord Kunzite’s castle! What were you trying to do, steal my caviar?!”

Jadeite didn’t answer because he was unconscious.

Kunzite gave a resigned sigh, slung Jadeite over his shoulder and teleported to Queen Beryl’s throne room.

Queen Beryl was watching some youmas installing a video player.

“Come on, hurry up!” she barked at them. “My crystal ball is updating so I can’t watch it, and I’m bored. I wanna watch some anime!”

Then she turned to Kunzite. “What is it?”

Kunzite threw Jadeite on the floor in front of her throne.

“My Queen! I caught Jadeite stealing food in my kitchen!”

Beryl looked at Jadeite. “Well, Jadeite, what do have to say in your defense?” she said impatiently. The anime marathon was just about to start.

Jadeite had regained consciousness upon hitting the stone floor.

“Ouch”, he said, rubbing his back. “What’s going on?”

“You tell me”, Kunzite said and glared at him. “You were in my castle without permission.”

Jadeite looked at Kunzite and then at Beryl who was strumming her fingers impatiently. He started to panic. What could he say? Which was a worse thing to do, help Zoisite when obviously it was forbidden to help him, or breaking into Kunzite’s castle? Which one of his superiors he dared to anger?

“I… um…” he stammered. Then he realized his only way out was to throw away all solidarity. “It was all Zoisite’s fault! He tricked me into getting food for him! I would never have done it had I known it would anger either of you, my Queen, and my Lord!”

Kunzite frowned. “Why were you getting food for Zoisite?”

“Because he was late again and I made him stand in the corridor with no food or entertainment”, Beryl explained impatiently. “Jadeite, you have disappointed me. I know you just had a night shift, but I have to punish you. It’s energy level measuring for you for the next 24 hours! Off to Tokyo you go!”

Jadeite muffled a squeal of joy.

“Yes, my Queen!” he said as he teleported away.

“And Kunzite”, Beryl said. “I am very disappointed in your apprentice. I don’t think just standing in the corridor with no food all day is an enough of a punishment for him.”

Kunzite thought fast.

“Let me take care of it. I will punish him in a way he won’t ever forget.”

Beryl smiled maliciously. “Very well. Now, get out of here!" she rushed him as the opening theme of Dragon Ball Z started.

*

Zoisite was sobbing in the corridor.

“What’s taking Jadeite so long? I’m hungryyyyyyyyy”, he whined.

He jumped when Kunzite suddenly teleported right in front of him.

“Kunzaito-sama! You scared me!” he said, wiping his eyes quickly.

Kunzite looked down on him with an expressionless face. Then he grabbed the sign hanging from Zoisite’s neck.

Zoisite blushed. “I’m so sorry, Kunzaito-sama! It won’t happen again!”

But Kunzite just gently removed the sign and tossed it away.

Zoisite gasped and stared at Kunzite with wide heart-eyes.

“Come”, Kunzite said and took his hand.

*

Jadeite sat down in a restaurant, behind a newspaper, measuring energy levels with a black crystal. It was glowing brightly.

“What is this wonderful energy?” he thought and stared at it in awe.

*

On the other side of the restaurant, Kunzite sat Zoisite down and took his jacket. Zoisite was screaming internally.

 _This is so romantic! Is this a date?_ he thought excitedly _. I think this is a date!_

“Oh, Kunzaito-sama… You’re so kind to me”, he cooed.

Kunzite sat down and passed him the menu. “Beryl was a bit harsh on you. It’s not good to deny your employees nutrition.”

Zoisite looked at him adoringly. “You’d be a so much better ruler than her, Kunzaito-sama…”

He drifted off into a daydream…

 

_Kunzite sat on Queen Beryl’s throne. Zoisite sat on his knee in a luxurious silk dress._

_“Oh Kunzaito-sama, my King! What wonderful evil deeds will we perform today?”_

_Kunzite smiled at him. “You don’t need to do anything, my treasure. You’ve already helped me to rise to power, and now it’s time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor.”_

_“And what may they be, my King?” Zoisite asked, fluttering his eyelashes._

_“Endless hours of pleasure in my bed”, Kunzite said, and his smile got wider._

_Zoisite squealed._

 

Kunzite looked flattered at the compliment, and didn’t notice Zoisite’s absent-mindedness.

“Well… I would be a great ruler, wouldn’t I?”

Zoisite snapped back into reality and nodded enthusiastically. “Definitely!”

Kunzite drifted off into a daydream which was strikingly similar to Zoisite’s, except they were already in bed.

He smiled. He definitely liked this boy…

*

Nephrite knocked on the door of Kunzite’s castle.

“Open up, Kunzite, I’ve got important information for you!”

He had been planning everything he’d say. He’d tell Kunzite all about how Zoisite seduced superior officers, and how he had also been his victim. Of course he’d add that he and Zoisite still had feelings for each other, and that way ensure he’d put Kunzite off the little brat. He chuckled maliciously. If that wouldn’t crush Zoisite’s dreams, nothing would!

He kept banging the door, but nobody answered, so he teleported back to his flat.

“O stars! Show me where Kunzite is!” he called out.

The stars showed him a restaurant, and Kunzite in the corner table with Zoisite. Zoisite was chattering away and playing with his hair, and Kunzite was… smiling? Nephrite squinted. Yes, that could be called a smile. He hadn’t even known Kunzite could smile.

No wonder he was smiling. Zoisite was being really adorable.

Wait, what?

He stared at the image for a while, then let out a sigh.

“Alright, alright, I can’t do it”, he admitted, and the image disappeared. “Why do I have to be such a softie….” he grumbled, and poured himself a drink.

*

 

Are Kunzite and Zoisite in love? Does Nephrite have some lingering feelings for Zoisite?! At this rate, will Jadeite have a burnout? Find out in the chapters to come!


	3. Everybody Reads Patalliro! - The Halloween Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a Halloween party in the DK.

Chapter 3: Patalliro Special

 

Zoisite was brushing his hair in front of a big mirror in the lounge. Kunzite was reading _The Dark Kingdom Times_ on the couch.

“Um… Kunzaito-sama?”

Kunzite raised his eyes.

“Hm?”

“Have you decided what you’re going to be for tomorrow’s Halloween Party?”

Kunzite returned to the newspaper. He had thought of just going as himself.

“No.”

“Great! Because I have a fantastic idea!” Zoisite said and skipped across the room to the couch. He pulled out a manga and held it up in front of Kunzite’s face. “Why don’t I go as Maraich, and you go as Bancoran?”

Kunzite took the manga and examined it.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a manga I love”, Zoisite said, a dreamy look in his eyes. “It’s about this detective and this assassin, and they fall in love and have babies and everything!” he flailed.

Kunzite leafed through a few pages and then stopped and stared at a picture of Maraich in shorty-shorts.

“He’s hot”, he said appreciatively.

Zoisite snatched back the manga.

“What?! How dare you ogle him in front of me!”

He marched out.

Kunzite heaved a sigh.

“He’s jealous. Why is he jealous?”

He pondered for a moment. He had gone on a few dates with Zoisite now. They had made out a few times now.

Suddenly his eyes went wide.

“Are we dating? Am I in a _relationship_?!”

He broke out in a cold sweat. He decided to call a friend and ask for advice.

As he picked up the phone, he remembered he didn’t have any friends.

He decided to call Jadeite. He knew Jadeite was too intimidated by him to not talk with him.

*

Meanwhile, Jadeite and Nephrite were in Tokyo, shopping for Halloween stuff.

“Why is it always us who have to do all the shopping for the office parties?” Nephrite grumbled. “I mean, we have to stand in queues for hours among this human scum! Meanwhile Kunzite and that little minx Zoisite are probably having marathon sex in silk sheets. IT’S SO UNFAIR!”

He walked past a table and flipped it. Then he flipped another table, and karate chopped a third one in half.

“So, Nephrite”, Jadeite said after they had been thrown out and were walking along the street. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing!” Nephrite snapped.

“It kinda seemed like you were jealous”, Jadeite said nonchalantly.

Nephrite fell into morose silence for a moment.

“OK, I’m jealous”, he muttered then.

“Seriously?” Jadeite frowned at Nephrite. “I thought you hated Zoisite?”

“I do!” Nephrite said. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t seem to get him out of my head. I keep thinking about…” He fell silent again.

“What?” Jadeite said, even though he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear.

“Well, OK”, Nephrite said and lowered his voice. “Last year, we slept together.”

“No way”, Jadeite said, not even faking surprise. Every being in The Dark Kingdom from Beryl to the lowest youma knew about it. Not much ever happened in the DK so that was a popular small talk topic at the time.

“Yes”, Nephrite said. “And I kinda want to do it again.”

“OK”, Jadeite said, feeling a little uncomfortable. “Good for you! You hang on to that dream. But now we have more important things to focus on.” Jadeite said and waved a two-foot long shopping list in front of Nephrite’s nose.

That’s when Jadeite’s 90’s antenna cell phone rang.

“Who could that be?” he muttered impatiently. “Moshi-moshi?” he said into the phone.

“What the fuck?” Nephrite said.

“Just something I learned here in Jap- Oh, good afternoon Kunzite!” Jadeite immediately changed his tone into a polite sycophant one. “How can I be of service?”

“I was wondering if you could give me some advice”, Kunzite said.

“Eeh?” Jadeite said.

“Yes, the topic is… of personal nature.”

Jadeite waited. He didn’t know what to say.

“Jadeite? Are you still there?”

“Yes, yes!” Jadeite hurried to say. “What is the trouble, your excellency?”

Kunzite hesitated. “It’s about relationships. How do you know you’re in one?”

Jadeite was getting uncomfortable. It seemed both Nephrite and Kunzite were acting strange that day.

“You know what, maybe I should give the phone to Nephrite. He knows more about this stuff than me.”

Jadeite tried to give Nephrite the phone, but Nephrite made the No Good Gesture.

“Actually, he’s not available right now. So, you might be in a relationship, but you’re not sure, huh?”

“That’s right. Zoisite is acting like we are a couple. But I think I missed the moment when we became a couple. Now he wants us to go to the Halloween party in matching costumes. He wants to be some hot assassin boy and he says I should be a detective. Apparently they are a couple, too.”

Jadeite gasped.

“Oh, you’re going as Bancoran and Maraich? That’s sooooooo cool!”

Nephrite stared at Jadeite. Kunzite stared at the phone.

“I kinda grew fond of that manga in my teenage years when I used to hang out with Zoisite at his place”, Jadeite explained sheepishly. “That’s great! If you guys are going as Ban and Mar, I could go as Patalliro!” Jadeite was getting all excited.

Kunzite was starting to feel like Jadeite wasn’t going to be of much help, and hanged up.

“What manga is that?” Nephrite asked as they continued walking. He felt like an outsider. “Is there any character left for me?”

“No, I’m afraid not”, Jadeite said, a little proudly. For once he felt included. “All the main characters are already taken. Sorry!”

“We’ll see about that”, Nephrite said angrily, and disappeared into a comic book store.

*

Kunzite had decided not to go because Zoisite was mad at him. What fun would it be to go in matching costumes if the person you went with didn’t even talk to you?

When Zoisite came downstairs, dressed as Maraich, Kunzite immediately regretted not going.

“Wow”, he commented.

“Oh, so now that I look like him I’m ‘wow’?” Zoisite snapped and marched out of the castle, slamming the door behind him.

“Well then… Have fun at the party”, Kunzite said.

 _What is this feeling?_ Kunzite wondered as he sat back on the couch. Zoisite sulking, Zoisite pouting, Zoisite being ridiculously jealous… It was doing things to him. Strange, funny things. It made him want to drown the boy in kisses and whisper praise into his ear, slowly melt him and make him forgive. Then make him jealous again, so that he’d get to do it all over again…

Kunzite picked up a volume of _Patalliro_ and started reading, hoping it would distract him from these strange thoughts.

*

The party for the DK employees had just started. The cave-like room was filled with Halloween decorations, and a youma was playing _Thriller_ with a pipe organ.

“I love your costume, Jed-kun!” Zoisite said cheerfully to Jadeite as they walked towards the open bar.

“Thanks!” said Jadeite in his Patalliro outfit. “But Where’s Kunzite? We were supposed to be this trio, remember?”

“Oh, he’s at home. Probably reading _Patalliro_ with one hand in his pants”, Zoisite said, suddenly angry.

“Oh, come on, like you’ve never done that”, Jadeite said, rolling his eyes.

Zoisite gave him a glare.

“What exactly do you take me for? It’s a love story, not porn!”

Jadeite shrugged. “Well… it’s not exactly a kids’ manga, either.”

“It’s erotic and wonderful”, Zoisite said firmly.

“Can’t argue with that. Too bad Kunzite didn’t come. Now we don’t have a Bancoran!” Jadeite said sadly.

“Actually…” said a voice behind them. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

They turned slowly and saw Nephrite in a suit and gloves.

“Hey, babe”, Nephrite said flirtatiously. “Like my outfit?” 

Zoisite gave him a look of contempt.

“Who are you supposed to be?”

“Bancoran, obviously!”

“You just put on a suit”, Zoisite said. “How does that make you Bancoran?”

“It’s a Bancoran suit”, Nephrite said. “And I’m wearing gloves!”

Zoisite just shook his head and went over to the bar.

Nephrite stared after him.

“He blushed, didn’t he?” he said to Jadeite. “When he saw me?”

Jadeite sighed. “You really do live in your own little world, don’t you.”

Nephrite wasn’t listening because he was already following Zoisite.

“What do you mean you can’t give me booze?” Zoisite yelled at the youma behind the bar. “I need a drink right – about - now!”

“Sorry, but no alcohol for underaged employees”, the youma explained. “Queen Beryl’s orders.”

“Oh, come on! I’m obviously in my twenties”, Zoisite said.

“Sorry”, the youma said with a shrug. “Our unofficial files say you’re 16 or 17.”

“Dammit!” Zoisite said through clenched teeth.

“Let me handle this, sugar”, Nephrite said and winked at him.

Zoisite responded with a scowl.

“Two glasses of your finest wine, please”, Nephrite said.

The youma blushed and did as she was told.

“Damn, this outfit rocks”, Nephrite said to himself. He turned to Zoisite and handed him his wine. “Will you join me on the couch, blossom?”

“Fine”, Zoisite said with a sigh. “I guess there’s nothing better to do around here. But you’ve got to stop with those disgusting pet names. What’s wrong with you?”

Jadeite ordered an orange juice, and stared after the two, frowning.

Suddenly Thetis appeared next to him. She was dressed as a sexy nurse.

“Happy Halloween, Jadeite-sama!” she cooed.

“This can’t be good”, Jadeite said, not even looking at her. “Kunzite thinks he and Zoisite are in a relationship. And now Zoisite’s having drinks with that horndog Nephrite. Hey, I know!” he exclaimed as a small and dim light bulb lit up over his head. “I’ll go and tell Kunzite! That way he’ll like me, and if he likes me, he’ll tell Queen Beryl good things about me, and that will really advance my career!”

“Oh Jadeite-sama, you’re brilliant!” Thetis said. “But wouldn’t you want to make out instead?”

Jadeite wasn’t listening.

“I’ve got to hurry before it’s too late!”

He ran out of the room, and Thetis followed him.

*

Jadeite knocked frantically at the door of Kunzite’s castle.

“Kunzite? Are you there? It’s urgent!”

Kunzite opened the door in a robe and slippers.

“What is it?” he demanded.

“Nephrite has dressed up as Bancoran and now he’s trying to get in Zoisite’s pants!”

“NANI?!” Kunzite bellowed as his eyes narrowed to slits.

Jadeite started shaking a little.

“I-it’s true, my lord! You have to go there and… and… reclaim what’s yours!”

The look on Kunzite’s face turned thoughtful.

“But how? If Nephrite is Bancoran, there’s not much hope for me. Pretty boys can’t resist the _bishonen killer_!”

Jadeite grinned. “You’ve really gotten into it, haven’t you?” Then he waved his hand dismissively. “Nephrite’s costume is really bad! I wouldn’t have even known who was supposed to be if he hadn’t said it.”

Thetis joined in the conversation. “You would be a perfect Bancoran, Kunzite-sama!”

Jadeite gasped.

“You… you read _Patalliro_ too?”

Thetis nodded. “Big fan!”

Jadeite made a mental note to pay more attention to Thetis from now on.

“Can you help me?” Kunzite asked the two of them.

“Well, sure, if that’s what you want”, Jadeite said, not really sure how much they could be of help.

“You know what I want?” Kunzite said. He put his hand in the pocket of his robe, and took out a volume of Patalliro. Then he leafed through it frantically before holding it open in front of Jadeite and Thetis. The picture he was pointing at was Maraich and Bancoran in a passionate love scene.

“ _This_ is what I want. With Zoisite!”

Jadeite squealed. Thetis jumped up and down and clapped her hands.

“This is so exciting!” she said. “We’ll transform you into Bancoran in no time!”

*

“Care to dance?” Nephrite asked as a cheesy love song started playing.

“No thanks”, Zoisite said. “These heels are killing me. I mean, I know they look good and all, but damn, who’d wear these on a daily basis?”

“They really do look good on you”, Nephrite said in his sleazy charmer-voice. “Kunzite really is an idiot. Who would lust after some manga character if they had you?”

“I know!” Zoisite said, looking at Nephrite with surprise. “You understand me, Nephrite. Who could have thought?”

Nephrite started to lean in for a kiss.

Jadeite ran towards them in slow-mo.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!”

“Dammit, Jadeite!” Nephrite said. “Couldn’t wait for a couple of minutes, could you? I was just gonna get some action!”

“What!?” Zoisite shrieked. “Pervert!”

He slapped Nephrite across the face and darted up from the couch.

“Yeah, shame on you!” Jadeite joined in. “Zoisite, care to follow me to the back room?” he said, wiggling an eyebrow.

“What?!” Zoisite shrieked. “Not you too!”

Jadeite’s face suffered the same fate as Nephrite’s.

“You’d think such a small, girly hand couldn’t hurt much”, Nephrite said, rubbing his cheek.

Jadeite held the side of his face and glared at Zoisite.

“I was just going to take you to someone”, he explained.

“Oh”, Zoisite said. “Please, do! Anywhere as long as it’s far from that creep!”

Jadeite led him to a door on the other side of the room. He opened the door and gestured Zoisite to step in.

The room was lit with candles. Zoisite glanced around, confused.

Jadeite gave a sign to Thetis who was waiting by a CD player, and the ending song from _Patalliro_ anime series started playing.

“What…?” Zoisite said as someone stepped out of the shadows.

Jadeite and Thetis crept out of the room, closing the door behind them. They high-fived.

“Zoisite?”

Zoisite’s eyes went wide.

“Kunzaito-sama…?”

Kunzite was in a flawless Bancoran costume. His hair was black and combed back, he had blue eyeshadow, and everything about his outfit was right to the last detail.

He smiled at Zoisite, and held out his gloved hand.

“Will you forgive me?”

Zoisite hesitated. Then his face lit up with an adoring smile and he accepted the hand reaching out for him.

“Yes.”

Kunzite pulled him against himself and kissed him tenderly.

“But I have to ask…” Zoisite said shyly, resting his head against Kunzite’s chest. “Do you like Maraich better than me?”

Kunzite chuckled.

“The only reason I thought he was hot, was because he reminds me of you.”

“Oh, Kunzaito-sama…”

They embraced for a while.

“Do you want to dance?” Kunzite asked then.

Zoisite shook his head and smiled.

“I have a better idea.” He started to play with a lock of his hair and looked up at Kunzite coyly. “Why don’t we go home and… act out some scenes from _Patalliro_?”

“That _is_ a better idea”, Kunzite said with a smirk.

*

Nephrite glared at Jadeite and Thetis who were making out on the couch next to him. Or rather, it was Thetis who was trying to make out with a reluctant Jadeite who was trying to read to her _Patalliro_ meta he had written.

“I’ve had enough”, Nephrite muttered, and teleported home. He crawled into bed, but couldn’t sleep, so he read _Patalliro_ all night instead.

 

 


	4. Kunzite's Horoscope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nephrite buys a car. So does Kunzite. Jadeite dreams big. Zoisite is insatiable. 
> 
> Briefly featuring Usagi and Naru!

Kunzite was sitting at his desk, reading a book on The Silver Millennium.

 _Hmm_ , he thought as he adjusted his glasses. _This all sounds strangely familiar. Like I had been there. But I can’t have, this was thousands of years ago! And on the Moon! I’ve never been to the Moon… Or have I?_

In the corner of his eye he detected some movement. It was Zoisite, peering inside through the cracked door.

Kunzite started sweating nervously. Not again! They really had to get some work done. They had had sex twice that day already. Was the boy insatiable?!

“Hello, Kunzaito-sama…”, Zoisite said seductively.

“Zoisite, I have a task for you”, Kunzite said quickly. He knew if Zoisite kept going, it was only a matter of seconds until Kunzite gave in.

Zoisite looked disappointed for a split second. Then he nodded enthusiastically.

“Hai, Kunzaito-sama!”

Kunzite desperately tried to make up something.

“Err, yes. The task is as follows.” He looked around the room and spotted a star chart. Stars = Nephrite. “Go to Nephrite. And… ask him for this week’s horoscope for me.” He was in fact genuinely interested, so it wasn’t so made-up after all.

Zoisite shuddered. “Ewww. I hate him! He sexually harasses me!”

“If he even looks at you the wrong way, just tell him I will come and snap him like a twig”, Kunzite said.

“That’s so romantic, Kunzaito-sama!” Zoisite gushed. “I’ll tell him that!”

Zoisite gleefully teleported into Nephrite's ceiling. 

Nephrite, who was watching porn, quickly changed the channel and closed his robe.

“Hey! Ever heard of knocking?”

Zoisite giggled.

“Were you thinking of me?”

Nephrite scowled.

“You wish. What do you want?”

“Speaking of wanting, I know what you want”, Zoisite snickered. “Me! Well you can’t have me because I’m no longer available!”

Nephrite continued scowling.

“I’m not interested. You’re a bitch. I can do so much better.”

Zoisite almost fell from the air where he was floating.

“Whaaaaaaat?!”

He tried to teleport away but was too agitated, so he just ran away, slamming the door behind him. He ran back to his and Kunzite’s castle.

“Kunzaito-sama! Nephrite is so horrible!”

“Did he touch you?!” Kunzite said, standing up in fury. “I swear if he did I’ll snap him like a twig!”

Zoisite shook his head sadly as tears started to roll down his cheeks.

“No. He said that he’s not interested and that he can do better.”

Kunzite stared.

“Why is that a bad thing?”

“Because I was going to have so much fun teasing him and now all that’s been taken away from me!” Zoisite managed to say before he started wailing.

Kunzite pulled Zoisite into a comforting embrace.

“You know what? I think he’s just acting like he’s not interested, even though he really is”, Kunzite said as his stroked Zoisite’s hair.

Zoisite looked up, teary eyes hopeful.

“Really?”

“Really”, Kunzite assured. “I mean, look at you. Who could not want you? You’re so young and pretty, and your body is…”

Kunzite was suddenly aware of how much he wanted Zoisite. He pushed the boy away and hurried back to his desk.

“Get that horoscope for me!”

*

When Zoisite re-appeared at Nephrite’s place, Nephrite was fully dressed and was watching Astrology Channel while sipping a latte.

“Ha! I knew you’d come back!” he said triumphantly.

“Don’t think that any of what you said before affected me in any way”, Zoisite said with a proud smirk.

“OK”, Nephrite said indifferently.

Zoisite said down beside him on the couch.

“So… How are you holding up?” he said with fake compassion. “After I rejected you?”

Nephrite ignored him completely.

Zoisite moved a little closer. He was getting desperate.

“If it makes you feel better, I could give you one last kiss”, he offered.

No reaction.

“…Blowjob?” Zoisite risked, prepared to run away.

 Nephrite just turned the volume up on TV.

Zoisite sprang up from the couch, his hands curling into fists.

“Oh, whatever! I feel sorry for you for what you’re missing!”

He tried to teleport in anger, but couldn’t, so he just ran away again.

Nephrite wiped sweat away from his forehead.

“Phew. That was a close one”, he muttered.

Then he took out a piece of paper and smiled proudly.

“Successfully completed the first task of my Doing Better program”, he said. “First: Ignore Zoisite. Second: Buy a car. Three: Pick up some chicks.”

He grinned evilly.

Then he looked down again.

“And four: Watch more documentaries and less porn.”

He thought for a minute. Then he scratched that out and changed the channel.

*

As Zoisite got home he realized he still hadn’t got the horoscope for Kunzite. Because he didn’t want to see Nephrite again, he decided to make one himself and pretend it was real. He went into his room and took out some paper and a pen.

“ _Your week is going to be wonderful_ ”, he wrote. “ _Venus in Virgin means you are going to engage in sexual activities with a person younger than you._ ”

“This is fun!” he thought.

“ _Moon in Lion means you’re going to get a lot of work done even though it doesn’t feel like you do. The stars encourage you to buy something nice and expensive for your beloved. All in all, the stars are saying that you are wonderful and very handsome!”_

Zoisite drew some hearts on the paper and smiled at his work.

“I have such a natural talent for this stuff!”

*

Meanwhile, Jadeite was in Tokyo, measuring energy levels. He sat on a park bench and made notes in his notebook.

_“I have found that the more people there are in one place, the more energy there is. Nephrite says you could get more energy from one person than from a hundred, but he’s a lunatic.”_

He closed the notebook, stretched and yawned.

“It’s taxing to the only one in the DK who actually works!” he thought. “Others are such slobs! At this rate I’m going to take Kunzite’s place in no time.”

He smiled contently and leaned back on the bench. Soon he fell asleep…

*

_“Wow!” he said, studying his reflection in a mirror in his castle. “This cape really suits me!”_

_Suddenly Zoisited rushed in with his hand on his belly._

_“Oh, Jadeito-sama! I need your wise advice!”_

_Jadeite nodded cordially. “What is it, my faithful subordinate?”_

_“I’m pregnant and I don’t know if it’s Kunzite’s or Nephrite’s! What should I do?”_

_Jadeite thought for a moment._

_“It doesn’t matter!” he said finally. “Here in the Dark Kingdom we are one big family! The child is a welcome addition to our tribe and the more fathers it has, the better!”_

_“Oh, Jadeito-sama, you’re right! What a wonderful, wise man you are!” Zoisite praised. “No wonder Queen Beryl gave Kunzite’s job to you!”_

_Zoisite left the room, and Kunzite came in. He was wearing Jadeite’s old uniform._

_“Jadeite-sama”, he said and bowed. “I just came to make sure my old castle is to your liking.”_

_“Yes, indeed it is”, Jadeite said, sitting down on the sofa and pouring himself a glass of champagne. “I trust you find your tiny studio apartment comfortable, too?”_

_“It is suitable for someone as low-ranking as me”, Kunzite said humbly, bowed, and went away._

_“Jadeite”, said Nephrite who was the next to appear in front of him._

_Jadeite scoffed._

_“It’s Jadeite-sama to you!” he said._

_“Wake up”, Nephrite said._

_“What?” Jadeite asked._

*

“Wake up”, Nephrite said, shaking him.

“Whaat…?” Jadeite rubbed his eyes. He was in the park and Nephrite was looking down at him. “Drat. Why did you have to wake me up?” he grumbled.

“I want to show you something”, Nephrite said with a mysterious smirk.

Jadeite got up and followed him reluctantly.

Nephrite led him to a parking lot and gestured at a red sports car.

“Look what I bought!”

Jadeite looked at the car and then at Nephrite.

“Why?”

“Well… Because”, Nephrite said and made a vague gesture. “It’s a Ferrari!”

Jadeite shrugged. “Great, I guess.”

“You wanna go for a test drive?” Nephrite said. “We could pick up some chicks!”

Jadeite shrugged again. “OK.”

They hopped in and started cruising around Tokyo.

“Look at those cuties”, Nephrite commented when they drove past two teenage girls in school uniforms. One of them had red hair and a green bow, and the other one had blond pigtails. The redhead was apparently judging the blond one for eating dumplings in a loud and messy way.

“Uh, they’re like 13 or something”, Jadeite said, uncomfortable.

“Hey, I didn’t say I want to bang them!” Nephrite said defensively. “I just said they’re cute! At least the redhead is”, he added as the blond one stuffed her face with three dumplings at once.

“Can you drive on, please”, Jadeite said, disgusted.

Nephrite hit the gas and drove on, blatantly exceeding the speed limit.

“I’m not enjoying this ride”, Jadeite said, holding on to his seat for dear life. “Can you drop me off already?”

Nephrite stopped the car, but as he did so, another car stopped next to them.

It was a pink Cadillac, and Kunzite was driving it.

“What the…?” Nephrite said.

“Good evening, my lord!” Jadeite said as he rolled down the car window. “What a nice-looking vehicle you’ve got there!”

“Good”, Kunzite said. “My horoscope said I should get something nice for Zoisite, so I bought him this car. Just taking it for a test drive before giving it to him.”

Nephrite grinned evilly.

“How about some drag racing?” he said to Kunzite.

“You’re on”, Kunzite said, grinning just as evilly.

“Uh, I want out”, Jadeite said, but it was too late. Nephrite was already speeding up with tires screeching.

“Prepare for defeat”, Kunzite said as he did the same.

They were speeding side by side for a couple of minutes.

“This is getting boring”, Kunzite thought. He decided to put magical abilities to good used and made his car fly.

“That’s cheating!” Nephrite said. He was already driving at maximum speed and Kunzite was getting further and further away.

Kunzite looked down at Nephrite’s car that was looking smaller and smaller. He chuckled evilly.

Nephrite slowed down and stopped the car.

“Finally”, Jadeite breathed out as he opened his eyes.

Nephrite got out of the car, took out binoculars and peered at the sky.

“Come and watch, this is gonna be good”, Nephrite said.

Jadeite got out with shaking legs.

There was a plane heading straight towards Kunzite’s car.

Kunzite had turned on his seat as he was laughing maniacally at Nephrite and Jadeite. Suddenly he heard a loud roar and turned around.

He teleported just in time but unfortunately Zoisite’s Cadillac was smashed to smithereens.

Livid Kunzite appeared in front of Nephrite.

“Damn you! Why didn’t you say anything about this in my horoscope?”

“I haven’t written any horoscopes for you”, Nephrite said, confused. “Nice going, by the way.”

Kunzite just growled, and disappeared in a pink flash.

*

“You gave me a fake-horoscope?!” Kunzite bellowed.

“You blew up my car?!” Zoisite yelled.

"Oh, you know about that", Kunzite said and thought for a moment. “Call it even?” he suggested then.

“OK!” Zoisite said. “I think we should have make-up sex now.”

Kunzite gave in.

 


End file.
